I can feel a hot one

"taking me down, for a moment I could feel the force. Veiny to the point of tears, and you were holding on to make a point. What's the point?"

I'm hot for once. I'm usually freezing and bundling myself up in blankets, and sweatshirts galore. Except socks. I don't enjoy socks. I've come to the conclusion I'm running a fever. Which means my temperate is below normal, because whenever I'm freezing, I'm 101 degrees. When I'm hot, I'm running 90 degrees. I work sdrawkcab, I reckon. My brother told me that once, too. haha, I miss Nicholas. & Connor. The two little brothers I hardly get to see. I mainly miss Connor, however. Not because he's related to me in blood, but for the reason that I haven't seen him in a really long time. I saw Nick just a few months ago. I'm upset that I don't get to see them grow.
But, God almighty, I'm blessed. I have two beautiful little sisters, three handsome little brothers, two mothers, two fathers, and the three best friends I could ever possibly ask for. & besides that, I have some extraordinary people for friends who I wouldn't trade for anything. I have an amazing family, and am surrounded by amazing people. I really don't deserve what I have. I'm alive, I've got a decent outlook on life in my opinion atleast, I've got ^, I think I'm doing just fine.

"I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine. My voice is sounding fine."

Have you ever had a moment where you just wonder, "Oh my God, why am I here? What am I doing here right now, right in this place. How did I get here?" It's not always bad, it's not always good. Sometimes it's just a moment where you realize what a miracle it is that you're even alive. A mystery. It kind of scares me a little. To wonder what your purpose is, to wonder who you are, even though you're sure you know who you are. I generally pride myself in knowing the person I am, but there are times where I'm driving down the road and I lose my composure. I lose my sense of reason, I suppose. I start to question everything.

"So I prayed for what I thought were angels, ended up being ambulances. And the lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. & I felt love, again."

I just want to cry right now. I'm not sad. I'm not hurt. I'm not happy. I just need to cry.