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I can't stand when I disappoint people. I need to learn not to take it so hard, though. I feel sick.

Accoustic will make you remember things you didn't want to.

I'm working on that uber long post of how I feel on a ton of things, that I said I was going to awhile back. I've been so occupied with that, that I feel I've been neglecting newer, shorter posts, my apologies dear friends.
mmmm. /Purple V-neck/Konstantine by Something Corporate/Sprite/Workin' Out/Drawing my own hand/Meditating/California for Thanksgiving/Liscence right after/Christmas in Chicago/Heavy Breaths/Being comfortable with your best friends/Fashion/Showering/Early Bird/YACHT/Body Modifications.
Thoughts have been thought, and I'm still thinking about these thoughts. They're keeping my mind busy and content right now.
"It's to Jimmie Eat World, and those nights in my car. When the first star you see, may not be a star. I'm not your star. Isn't that what you said, what you thought this song meant."
Oh, text message received.
It's only Tuesday, this feels odd. I feel like it should be Thursday.
\
"They'll never hurt you like I do, no no no."

Everything.

Life- I love it. Simple enough. It is one of the most beautiful things out there. Hell, it IS the most beautiful thing out there, because everything else that I find beautiful is an ingredient for life. Life is so complicated, and I don't mean the exact science of DNA or anything. I mean, looking around you, at the people surrounding you, the ground you walk on, the sounds you hear. Breathe it in. This is what you're part of. I see life upside down and sdrawkcab. I see it in a way most people neglect to. I'm always paying attention to how I act, only for how I know what I say and do affects that person. I don't have any want to impress you in any way. How I act, speak, dress; is my self expression. Your way of judging me without completely getting in my mind. It's a safe move to make. when you're in my mind, you won't know what to expect. Bloody hell if I even know what to expect in my own mind, hah. I find almost everything beautiful. Even pain, weaknesses, the "negatives". They're what bring me to the "positive" things. With good comes bad. There is nothing you can do it about it, so you might as well learn the wonder of acceptance. Take it all together, and find it beautiful. Be thankful for it.





Fear- everyone has it. I'm sick of the people who deny it. Almost as if it makes them any less of a person. There's a point of vulnerability, and whining. There's also a point of true strength/ accepting your fears and being cocky. Find your happy medium. I know I'm afraid of; losing a loved one, having seizures, not being in control of my own body, not making an impact on another person, putting gasoline in a car, dying without people knowing how I see our World. [That's mainly why I keep a blog.] Yet, I'm not afraid of dying alone without love, or smoking/drinking, or driving. It seems like the things most people don't seem to think to be afraid of, I am. More people are afraid how they look; Dress to Express, not Impress. Or how everyone sees them; I can honestly say I worry about that sometimes, too. But not in the sense of if people will like me, I worry that I'll come off as average or boring. The only people I care about's opinion is the people who have a hand on my heart. I have many friend's and people that I truely do care about, but the people who tug at my heart, I can't stand to disappoint them. It drives me to the point of the biggest pit in my stomach. It makes me want to throw up. And the worst fear of all in my opinion for people, is acceptance. So many people buy certain clothes or pierce something to be accepted, to fit in. I won't say I don't understand, 'cause I do. I went through this phase a few years back, buying Hollister sweatshirts, listening to pop music/rap when I'd rather be listening to accoustic/hard rock/oldies. I understand the point you get to where you just want to be liked, but will you let it drive you to the point of losing yourself and becoming a mindless drone? "Why would you try so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?" Live without fear; fear the right things. Live without regrets; Just take the oppurtunities you can and experience all around you that's healthy for your mental well being and your physical well being.





Religion- I label myself as a Buddhist-Christian to anyone who asks. I was raised as a christian, but I find myself loving many of the beliefs of Buddhism, and Daoism as well. I have my dislikes of christianity however. I suppose a moral I was raised by goes completely against the religion I was raised by. The whole "Jesus" dying for my sins part. I was always told I must take responsibility for my actions and I do. I accept them and move on. I can pay for my own sins. Besides that, however, I do believe in God. I do believe Jesus was a person. I also believe in giving up your ridiculous cravings in life though. If I give up my ridiculous material wants in life, I will further see the big picture of our World, and if there's a heaven/Nirvana, the material wants will be there if I want them. It's like, giving up your wants in your human life, then you'll be repaid with it in your immortal life. [If there is one.] I'm not sure how I feel on heaven. Part of me believes there is no heaven and you're just done once you die. You rot in the ground and people will forget your name. If you're lucky though, some people who you made an impact on will remember your name for the rest of their lifetime. The other part of me thinks there is a heaven, and there is our lost loved ones looking after us from time to time. I switch back and forth between the two. I can't make up my mind. My feeling 85% of the time on the heaven situation however is, there is a heaven like place, and I will be reborn again as something as else for the World. Call it Reincarnation, call it Soul Recycling. It's one in the same. I'll touch back on Reincarnation later. I highly doubt I'd go to hell for not thinking there was a heaven though, ya know? If God is the man they describe him to be, then he wouldn't be as judgemental to damn me to hell off my unknowingness. So, for now. I'll combine my two religious beliefs into one new religion of my own. I like God, I think everything happens for a reason, even if it takes awhile to see the reason. I believe what I believe. Please, don't thrust your religions on me. I'll explore your religion in time. I explore many and often apply many different morals from your's to my own.

Love- is a beautiful, complicated deal that you have to make with another person. It's not easily a deal made with yourself. In love, we don't have very much control over anything. It will make you crazy. & that is where love and "love" factor in. "Love", no. I don't want to hear of your middle school boyfriend of two weeks. Love is so real, so truthful, so terrifying to be honest. It's not a topic easily put into words. I've been in love once. Which is a realistic number. The feeling is... complicated. Your small glances at the person, turn into minutes and minutes of just watching them because, you're so amazed you wound up with this person. So suprised that you could have possibly got this person to call your own, and knowing that's what they think when they look at you too. It's when they do something average and it turns into your favorite mental image of them. It's seeing something and that something reminds you of them and all of a sudden, it's the most beautiful thing in the World. It's even after it's over, just wanting the very best of happiness for them and even if it's with other girls. It's wondering how they forget the past emotions so easily, when they play like a slideshow in your head sometimes. It's looking up at them through their lashes and just smiling 'cause you're speechless. Just in complete awe. It's hearing their heartbeat and syncing your's to their's. It's feeling emotionally tied to them just slightly more than any other human being, and you enjoy it way more than you should. It makes your heart pound hard remembering. It's wanting to wake up to those blue-green eyes every morning, with the sun peaking through the window. It's wanting to just lay with them and be close to them. It's seeing him run around his room all flustered trying to pack his stuff in two minutes, aha. It's seeing the stars and realizing that the two match up completely in meaning. It's not understanding why other people are so close-minded about love, and then, you're the one close-minded because, it ended and with a damn good reason. You two moved two fast and barely knew eachother. It's great love when the two can remain best friends after time, and trust eachother, though. Sometimes you'll wonder what could have been, other days you won't care. It's love for ya. It's a nice concept, just please go into it with an adult mind, and really think when you use the "L" word. In our time, the word is being raped anally. It's not special anymore. Love is not something to be treated lightly of. It's a huge deal.

I'll add more later. If there is a certain topic you'd like to discuss, comment this blog with the topic and I'll do my best to include it.

Anxiety Attack.

TickTickTick.
Scratching.
Leadpencilmeetspaper.
TickTickTick.
Coldhands.
Bathroomfloor.
Curlupinaball.
TickTickTick.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Heart beating itself out of my chest.
Why. Why can't you like the home I gave you.
Tilefloors.
Cold.
Cold.
Fast.
Fast.
In a sick kind of way, I enjoy you.

Muse.

I've been hearing alot lately that I'm inspiring.
And, I can't help but think, that I'm finally doing what I've been wanting to do all along.
Finally.

By the way, I'm starting to discover Lomography and I rather like it.<3
Short blog tonight.

Psyche. Myspace isn't very time consuming at the moment.
Academia- Sia.
I really like this song.
I like alot of things.
I like how my brother calls me KeiKei, I like how people feel comfortable talking to me about their issues, I like Apple Cider [cold], I like how the trees are changing colours, I like how my whole entire house is quiet right now, I like how I can smell Autumn from the open window, I like how my painting is turning out, I like the sound of my fingers tapping against the keyboard in a rhythm, I like how my hair keeps falling into my face, I like alot of things. Especially tonight. I'm very observant and appreciative. mmmmmm, I need to go splatter my hands accidentally while painting.

"Hey beautiful lady, how does it feel? To know that you got me head over my heels. I'm thinking that maybe I could be lost, do you wanna find me? and forget the cost. Just enjoy me. Enjoying what I see. I see you. Hey beautiful lady, are you for real? I'm hearing your heartbeat and watching as you steal mine."<3