Sumer + another m.

This summer has been a season of learning. I had to learn who I was all over again. The past few months, I managed to let that escape me. I don't believe that I have ever been so low in my lifetime. I really don't know how to explain how I was feeling, & I doubt anyone will read my blog anyways, but by the slim chance they do? Maybe the person will read my words, swish them around in their mouth, and swallow the thought of how I was feeling and they'll realize that they felt that way once as well. I'll feel less alone in the World. And, if no one reads this, I will have sorted out my emotions on my own and just gotten them out of my mind. Since I would say since Winter of 2009-2010, I lost interest in everything and anything around me. I didn't overly think of anything; My mind was an empty notepad. The only time I did think was when I was thinking, "Something isn't right here." I would quickly erase that thought. Then, rewrite it. Erase. Rewrite. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's presence, or time. I didn't feel worthy of talking to when I had nothing to say, which was often. I lost someone permanently in my life, someone I held dear. I lost another not so permanently in my life, someone I held more dear than most people I've known in my life. I think that's when my mind truely awakened. When my notepad started gaining words upon it's surface. I wrote in pen the mistakes I made and the wrong things I said. I can't take them back, I can't erase them. I drew lines through the words I had already written, trying to start over. Every thing I said was coming out of my mouth wrong. This isn't me saying I was completely wrong, but I sure as hell wasn't completely right. I needed to escape CDA, I needed to clear my mind. So, I apologized for my wrongs & I left for Seattle/California. Thank God I did so. This is the first time I have been near fully myself in hell, I don't know how long. I've remembered how much my family truely does mean to me. I realized that people you don't expect to, can turn into someone you never expected them to be. I'm thrilled to learn this now though, than to invest more time - love - trust into this person just to have it thrown back into my face. Such a waste. I have learned that I am not worthless. I have learned that I don't want a relationship & I stuck with this. Now that I have finally gotten used to being alone, I love the feeling. I have hurt myself too much to get used to being alone, to just give it up. Honestly, I don't think I can be in a relationship right now. I can't imagine trusting someone with my heart, I can't imagine letting go and allowing myself to feel love. I would ruin it subconsciously. I have learned that "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." No one has that permission. Before, nearly everyone did. I learned that I don't need that many friends, I just need the handful of true friends I have, that've stuck around. I learned that I am not my body; I am my soul. I learned how to make home-made macaroni and cheese. I learned not to be too upset when things don't go as planned. I learned to let go but, still feel. I feel alive again. This has been the best summer of my life so far. I hope everyone else is having a nice summer as well.

Time is ticking.

As you're driving on a two way street, you're going one way while the other cars are going in the opposite direction. They blur past you in the corner of your eye quickly, almost as if they weren't there at all. You witness another person's moments of life happening; People you have never even seen before. This happens not just in cars, though. It happens when you see someone anywhere. I saw a woman the other day grocery shopping & she just smiled at me for no reason at all, there was a child in Shari's yesterday who I exchanged little faces with during our meals, there's those couples you see holding hands and just looking at eachother in wonder and awe. You're a part of someone's life the second you look at eachother, even if it's not for more than three minutes. It makes me angry since there is such a lack of respect for people in our surroundings anymore. People bump into eachother on the street and just keep walking, we curse and scream at people we only know by what they've done in High School, we hurt people or show them not one ounce of respect fpr the fact that we don't know the person. Respect is something that should be given upon first seeing a person. Atleast give people respect as someone just like you who has feelings, thoughts, fears, memories, bad habits- A human being. If they have proven to you over time that they don't deserve your time and respect then that's different. Then they have lost their priveledge to have respect from one more person in this World. But, why do we waste so much time and effort to be rude to a person when it won't ever matter. The negativity won't do anything but hurt another being, which will bring negativity to yourself in the ways of Karma. Whether it be guilt or you being treated negatively by someone else. It will come back to you. Why waste so much of our valuable time going out of our way to make someone feel pain, when we're all going to die? Every single person is going to die. You're going to be a part of many many people's lives for thirty seconds. What are you going to do with that thirty seconds?

I care again.

It's the moment when I was staring up at the sky as the rain fell with Temper Trap flooding my ears at one of my favourite places in the World -The Gorge-, that I realized I should be happy again. Sasquatch 2010 was the funnest experience I've had in the longest time. It opened my eyes to alot of things. Thank God.
I needed a wake up call.
I'm done being a teenage zombie.

Ralph.

Hi, my name is disgusted with myself right now.
How may I help you?

Beach Baby.

I love early mornings.
I love hearing the cars drive by on the Freeway on their way to work.
I love hearing the birds chirp.
I love the smell of coffee brewing.
I love my silk robe and walking around the house in it.
I love how this is the one and only time my house is quiet.
I love the quiet.
I love when my dog snores.
I love the hardwood floor underneath me.
I love how my ass of a cat let me hold her.
I love honey nut cheerios.
I love figuring out what I want.
I love how clear I think in the morning.
I love the song Beach Baby by Bon Iver in the morning.
I love just laying here.
I love showering before everyone else is up.
I love opening my curtains to let the sun in.
I love good morning hugs.
& most of all, I love when I'm actually awake early in the morning.
I hate sleeping.

BR34TH3.

We've all got something to learn.
Some learn it faster than other's.
Doesn't make the others less smart;
Just going at their own pace.

Three weeks til summer.
I can do this.

I wanna fall so in love that I can't breathe.

That's what you get- Paramore. The music video to that is the feel I want to put into some of my movies as I get older. The lighting/setting/angles. Check it out.

Dear Mama;

You are honestly the most beautiful person in this World I have ever come to know and love. To think that only fifteen n' a half years ago, I was growing inside of you. I was becoming who I am now. My genetic code was already made; I was made to have freckles like you, blue eyes like you, your sarcasm. The person I am now was semi set in stone. You just had to wait for me to come out and show you who I am. You raised me the best way imaginable, and taught me how to love. You still write notes on my napkins for lunch, you tell me I'm special when I feel like I'm the farthest from it. I don't understand how you managed to raise me so well. But, like you've said, I won't understand how much a parent loves their child until I'm a parent myself. I know I can say it's as much as a child loves their parent, though. You're the type of mom who does everything humanly possible to keep her children safe and happy. That's why I refer to you as my Mama Bear. You protect four children, work, you're an amazing wife, you clean after the younger three when they leave their dishes out. You remind us everyday that you love us more than the World could ever comprehend. Hell, you're so great of a mom that you're a second mom to half of my friends. Everybody tells me how great of a mom I have, and they couldn't be more right. I wouldn't trade you for a Klondike Bar, or anything else. I can't imagine my life without you, because it's not possible. I don't tell you enough how much I love you and how thankful I am for you. Really, mom. You're beautiful, even without your makeup, and your hair pulled back into a ponytail. That's when I think you look prettiest. When I look over at you in the car, that's what I'm thinking. I'm sorry I don't tell you how much I appreciate you as much as I think it. Thank you for dancing in the car; Even if I hide my face from everyone in the surrounding cars. Thank you for being so protective over me when I want to go to stupid parties; Even if I get upset at first. Thank you for listening to me talk about my future plans; Even when it hurts to think I'm moving out after another two years. Thank you for playing RockBand; Even if I say that you're a nerd for it. Thank you for giving me the best advice anyone could ever give me on every hurdle that life throws at me. Thank you for letting me cry into your shoulder so many times, and for holding my hand when I'm at my lowest. I wish I could explain to you in words how much you mean to me and how big of an impact you have made on my life, but there are no words suitable enough. All I can do is show to you throughout the rest of my life with actions how much I love you. & it probably still won't be enough. You're my best friend, Lorrie Anne. Going on sixteen years. <3