Sumer + another m.

This summer has been a season of learning. I had to learn who I was all over again. The past few months, I managed to let that escape me. I don't believe that I have ever been so low in my lifetime. I really don't know how to explain how I was feeling, & I doubt anyone will read my blog anyways, but by the slim chance they do? Maybe the person will read my words, swish them around in their mouth, and swallow the thought of how I was feeling and they'll realize that they felt that way once as well. I'll feel less alone in the World. And, if no one reads this, I will have sorted out my emotions on my own and just gotten them out of my mind. Since I would say since Winter of 2009-2010, I lost interest in everything and anything around me. I didn't overly think of anything; My mind was an empty notepad. The only time I did think was when I was thinking, "Something isn't right here." I would quickly erase that thought. Then, rewrite it. Erase. Rewrite. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's presence, or time. I didn't feel worthy of talking to when I had nothing to say, which was often. I lost someone permanently in my life, someone I held dear. I lost another not so permanently in my life, someone I held more dear than most people I've known in my life. I think that's when my mind truely awakened. When my notepad started gaining words upon it's surface. I wrote in pen the mistakes I made and the wrong things I said. I can't take them back, I can't erase them. I drew lines through the words I had already written, trying to start over. Every thing I said was coming out of my mouth wrong. This isn't me saying I was completely wrong, but I sure as hell wasn't completely right. I needed to escape CDA, I needed to clear my mind. So, I apologized for my wrongs & I left for Seattle/California. Thank God I did so. This is the first time I have been near fully myself in hell, I don't know how long. I've remembered how much my family truely does mean to me. I realized that people you don't expect to, can turn into someone you never expected them to be. I'm thrilled to learn this now though, than to invest more time - love - trust into this person just to have it thrown back into my face. Such a waste. I have learned that I am not worthless. I have learned that I don't want a relationship & I stuck with this. Now that I have finally gotten used to being alone, I love the feeling. I have hurt myself too much to get used to being alone, to just give it up. Honestly, I don't think I can be in a relationship right now. I can't imagine trusting someone with my heart, I can't imagine letting go and allowing myself to feel love. I would ruin it subconsciously. I have learned that "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." No one has that permission. Before, nearly everyone did. I learned that I don't need that many friends, I just need the handful of true friends I have, that've stuck around. I learned that I am not my body; I am my soul. I learned how to make home-made macaroni and cheese. I learned not to be too upset when things don't go as planned. I learned to let go but, still feel. I feel alive again. This has been the best summer of my life so far. I hope everyone else is having a nice summer as well.